So this post will be a little bit back-and-forth, but it all comes down to my insecurities and changing gyms.
You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be the best version of yourself that you can be today.
I feel sick of running after a body image I can’t achieve. I accept myself, I don’t think about my body most of the time, it just shapes itself with hours spent in training. But I’m by no means skinny. I’m by no means “normal” looking. I think I look good, though. I am giving it my all at this particular moment in time. I train to the best of my abilities, I eat healthy as long as I can bear it. Dieting is a torture for me, a real torture.
We have to block out so many information in our everyday life just to keep on running towards our respective goal that it’s sometimes too much.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just weak, but I feel strong! I have faced a lot hardships in my life up till now, not drastic ones fortunately, but I had to bear a lot, mentally. And it left a lot of scars on me, some of them still haven’t healed up yet. But you can’t see them at first glance. Even at second and third not. I’m hiding away from people, hiding from being betrayed over and over again. Call it trust-issues, well I have them. Lots of them.
Now, the gym I was training at, where I felt comfortably and at home, has closed down. The trainings were moved to another gym – so far so good – but the hours were changed to bad hours for me. On top of that, that’s an existing karate/kickboxing gym, with it’s own fighters and (very young) people in training. I went to the gym and felt it’s not a place for me, even though my trainer was there and some guys from my old gym….
I feel like a very important chapter of my life has ended. I feel regretful choosing not to go this gym, but the whole point for me taking up Muay Thai again was to be true to myself and follow my gut feeling, so as much regret as I feel, I can’t bring myself to stay in my comforable enviroment against my gut feeling.
Now it’s the time to stretch my wings out again, find the inner burning energy that brought me to the gym in the first place and try out other gyms. It stresses me out to the max, but it’s something I knew I had to face sooner or later. I know I probably won’t find a place where I will feel as comfortable as in my old gym, but I have to at least try to learn something new in training. Everything else will follow.
And I won’t be cutting myself off completely from my old trainer and training group, coz I wouldn’t bear it, I will still come in once a week to train with another group in the second gym. (Long story short, my “gym” was basically in two separate locations, but with one trainer. And I was training at both locations. Now, one of the gyms closed down and the training was moved to a whole another one, and the second one changed its name, but the training and group remains the same, fortunately).
I need to remind myself of the feelings I had when I got my tattoo back in December 2013. Then, I felt empowered, free, creative, full of ideas and curious for what the future will bring. This was the whole poing of inking it into my skin with colorful inks. I’m happy I have this reminder, and that I still can remember these feelings. I’m scared though. I didn’t have any fear then.
Now, I want to fall back into the group I know, even if it means going against my own will….it was my safe place for so long, I want to keep it that way. But I can’t. I have to move on. I feel it. It’s hard, it’s scary, but I will put on my brave face and conquer a new world. It really feels like that to me. As hilarious as it sounds.
I’m a really shy person and I’m really scared of meeting new people. Worst thing is, I basically ignore anyone I should reach out to and get to know. Seriously, I just pretend I don’t see anyone I don’t know. It’s sick, I know, but I’m near-sighted so sometimes this works as an excuse. On top of that, you probably know how it feels to step into a new gym as the new girl.. add to it that I’m not the usual-sized athletic-bodied easy-on-the-eye girl. The reaction I usually get is avoidance or belitteling my skills.
The worst thing is, I really start to think my skills are useless after a while. I know I’m learning something new, but at the some time I feel like crap, because all my skills are looked down on. I know I shouldn’t feel this way and that guys usually take some time warming up to me, but I’m scared that noone will warm up to me and I’ll be the odd one out.
Changing gyms is an overwhelming experience.
The little bit that makes it all easier is that I started going to a new little gym last month and I got to know the trainer there a bit. So I will go to his gym, in another location, but at least he will know me. This makes it a tad little bit easier, it’s still scary, but a little less scary. Like, I already have one foot in the doorstep. 🙂
One of the reasons (I assume) guys in new places won’t train with me at the beginning is because they’re bigger than me, so I assume they are scared of hurting a girl. But what they don’t know, I’m not the usual girl. I respect their strength and I know I’m not as strong as a guy my size. But I sparred in traning with bigger guys. And I survived! See? (“survived” is an accurate word here :))