You can pause for a while, but you can’t stop

Look what I’ve found today! A golf ball! 😀11933483_10203596932758809_6323514664923515250_n

Now I will attack all sore points on my muscles with this yellow devil! 😀 There’s actually a funny story connected to this, I will tell it quickly now.

When I was dealing with my sore calf muscle (you can read about my painful weeks here) I once went with my friend (and my dog) for a walk. We were passing by a golfing field and I was telling my friend that it would be nice to find a golf ball for my muscle, because the tennis ball I was using was too big and too soft to help me. I didn’t find one that day, but I have found one today 🙂 And I tell you, I usually pass by this golfing field at least once a week 🙂

***

So, as I mentioned before, I decided to go to a muay thai training camp organized by a club I barely knew anyone at, beside the trainer.

I still haven’t really wrapped my mind about this experience yet, I have mixed feeling about it, so I don’t want to write anything bad now, and regret it later.

One thing I can tell for sure, I expected a bit more out of it, so it left a kind of a bittersweet taste. I didn’t injure myself, so that’s good, seeing how a lot of people had to sit out during training sessions because of their injuries. On the other hand, I feel as if I didn’t take full advantage of the opportunity. Oh wait, I did injure myself, but not during training 🙂 I scratched up my elbow while falling from a bike during our rest day 😉 It was nothing serious, so I could train till the end of the camp.

There were moments I felt utterly humilated only because I was there. It was a bad feeling, but it was not something I could have prevented and I’m sure it was only in my head and not intended (but who knows).

It sucks going to a camp with strangers who are a thight-knit group. It sucks really bad.

***

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Me on the left

***

Doing two sessions a day really tires you, not only physically byt also mentally.

Somewhere around the middle of the camp there was a situation where I started thinking that I should give up Muay Thai. I saw that I didn’t do any progress in the past year and I was dissapointed by the training camp. I think at this moment I detached myself mentally from what was happening to my body. I went to the training, noted down afterwads what we were practising if I remembered it, took a shower, went to eat, sleep and repeat. I don’t know if it was the exhaustion, but I completely stopped thinking about the now, coz it was too frustrating to even start to analyze it.

I went “on” after I came back, but it feel horrible, I only felt bitter and the feeling of giving up was still in my head – my performance during my first training after the camp sucked. Even now, a few days after comig back, I constantly feel exhausted and even cought a cold. Can it go even worse?

I feel like giving up, even though I know I still have a long way to go.

The only thing I gained during this camp is a perspective shift – there’s still a lot to learn for me and I’m excited to learn it, but I don’t know where I should learn it. At my gym, there’s mostly beginner stuff and beginner-level training partners whom I’m getting frustrated at (and scared that they will injure me while doing a technique wrong, which happens all the time). Other gyms have an impossible training schedule which I can’t adjust my working hours to.

Right now, some poeple advised me to just tune out and do things I want to do, not related to dieting, fitness or training. But I want to train! But I’m questioning myself if this is the thing that brings me happiness.

I know I want to see my progress, but looking back at the last two years, I haven’t made any progress when it comes to weight-loss or body-awareness. Of course I gained other things along the way, which are important, but I started out to lose weight and get better at Muay Thai, both of which I have failed to do.

I don’t have an answer for myself yet. Emma Thomas from Under the Ropes recently wrote a post about emotions and feelings of giving up that really resonated with me and this experience, so I will try thinking about the things I want to do out of love, because I think I lost sight of them right now.

Wish me luck…

PS. I still haven’t given up on my plan to go to Thailand, I even decided on a date and gym and started to make some first detailed plans with my friend. I’m giving myself a last chance with this. I still have half a year before, I want to make the best out of them.

PS1. There were some quite astonishing sunsets though 🙂

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