It doesn’t get easier, you just get better
Never did the meaning of these words resonate with me like right now.
After taking a break for 2 months because of my health issues after I came back from Thailand, I was feeling like I went back to the very beginning with my conditioning, strength, technique, overall feeeling. I struggled through every training, every minute. I was all covered in sweat by doing simple exercises during a fitness stretching class. I mean you do warm-up a bit during those, but I was totally sweaty, not slightly warmed-up! And this was the easiest fitness class available. I broke down for a moment there, but never gave up.
Now, a month of training diligently later, adding additional stretching classes and cardio hours into my week plan I see the progress I made during this month! I thought it will never happen, but it did. I’m still far from my conditioning from before I got sick, but the process has gived good results until now.
Well, what’s left is to take care of my bad eating habits and my diet. I stuff myself with food even if I don’t want to eat. I lost the ability to stop myself. I kinda forget that I shouldn’t eat it and the moment I reach for something I don’t thing about wheather I’m hungry or not. That’s a major disadvantage when you’re a big girl like myself and trying to shed some pounds. If I can’t control myself, noone will take the food out of my hand!
Just wanted to share that I’m seeing the results of my training this month.
Read on if you’re interested in some of my personal drama involving the loss of my dear cat. It sounds silly, but not for me.
Actually my training regimen was the only thing that went right this month. Apart from it, April 2016 sucked.
My 18-year-old kitty-cat died and the last days were horrible, I feel bad for having dragged her to 4 different vets when she only had a few days left to live. I went to the first vet on Sunday and she died on Thursday. I hoped that it will be worth the stress I put her in, like we go to the vet a few times, I help her now, but she’ll stick around in good shape for a few more months. I didn’t realize it was already the time for her to pass on. I am still heartbroken and I cried all three days after her death and her last week was also pretty teary-eyed and stressful for me. I can’t even say that she didn’t suffer, because she did and now I understand that she suffered not only those last few days, but probably the last few months or even years. On Tuesday the vet felt big lumps on her liver and belly that turned out to be cancer when I went to do a ultrasound and blood tests on Wednesday. She looked so bad there, I thought it’s the end, that’s she’s gonna die there at the vet…I was so scared and it wasn’t helping her. She died 15 minutes before I got to come back home from work on Thursday, fortunately my brother got home before me and he was with her in her last hour. Seeing her small body lay still, I was really hoping she’ll breathe like she usually did, but there was no breath anymore. Her little ears were cold, her little paws curled under and cold. Her fur as fluffy as usual, but so different at the same time. Even writing about it makes me cry hard.
I can’t really come to terms with her being gone. She’s been with me since I was in 6th grade, we basically grew up together, played together, destroyed things at the house together and also matured together. She was always there, a sweet silent companion through good and bad times. The bad times especially, when she curled up on my lap or wherever and I could just cry into her fur and pet her and she’d purr and comfort me with just being this fluffy ball of love. I miss her so bad. The house is so empty without her. I catch myself looking for her after I come home. checking if there’s food and water in her bowl, which obviously is not standing there anymore. I go look into my parents’ room where she used to sit when she was left at home. I wait to hear her scratch at my window and meow in the evening. There are countless little habits that I picked up throughout these years that won’t be gone soon…if ever. The fact that I always check the floor when I enter the house, because she used to sit right beside the doorstep inside, so if you weren’t being careful, you’d step on her tail. The fact that she always sat with her tail lay across the path that you’d go, just to annoy you and make you notice her.
I never lost someone who was this close to me. I think there’s no one in my life that was/is as close to me as she was. So even though someone might say “it was just a cat” for me it was a living being that has been by my side day and night for EIGHTEEN years.
So even with her being gone…the first days were difficult. Now I deal better with it. So it’s not that it gets easier, I just get better at dealing with her absence.